Hello?

Sometimes the night disappears in the blink of an eye. Or rather hours go by while you are staring at something; minutes are only measured by a hypothetical clock. What is a second? A minute? A lifetime?

And have you ever had eyes so sleepy and awake at the same time? I just wonder if everyone thinks about as much as I do. There is loss. There is sadness. There are what ifs. There is nothingness. There is maybe. There is no. There is why. Why? Why? Why?

Have you ever had a body so sweaty cold and so shivering hot all at the same time? I hate the way my new bed smells and I hate the thought of going back to my old bed. There is no home. I have no one to call, really, although everyone keeps saying it because we are supposed to and besides, we are the only ones any of us have.

And Paris gleams across the globe, trumping New York with its glamour, its historic grandeur, with Chelsi. Who am I without them? Who am I without my Chelsi, without my recovered mother, without my not so recovered father? Who the fuck am I?

Really cute that I moved to New York. Dreams, huh? Nothing exists. I want to dress up as invisible for Halloween.

I dream. Sleepy dreams, not awake ones. I dream that I’m in my real bed, and I only have a few more days to be there, so I better wake up. I dream about my idiotic waitressing job, and trying to smile at the ignorant people that I fake smiles for. I dream about my mother, and everything that makes me scared, and she is a skeleton and sometimes I am too.

Once, I was dreaming, and the phone rang. I answered it, and he answered. “Hello?”

It was just the same, creamy and raspy, and mine and everything, and maybe, all at the same time.

I woke up immediately. It’s funny how you can’t forget sounds, smells, feelings. The tears were just as fast. I hate having his voice around me these days.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Is anyone out there? Why isn’t this all the way I wanted it to be? What am I even supposed to do?