How could you let this happen?

The sad part now is that I've gotten used to the throbbing pain of loss. It doesn't cause me to wretch in the corner, or to sob in my car. It's numb, it's heartbreaking, but it's always there. Granted, there are the times I encounter my old self. Sadie grabs Nadia's twin bunny from my NY pile. I cry, I watch wedding shows, I cry. But it's more distant now. It's as if no more bad can happen to me, because I already expect it. It already happened, and he fucked it up. Why does he try to pretend when all is already lost?

And I messed it up with Nadia, and I feel it everyday. Her fur is on the carpet, her photos are on my iPad.

I want to stay here to keep them. As the clock ticks, we  become further and further apart. I'm throwing away my NY markers and shunning my CO contacts.

LOSS.

___________________

And this is my norm.
I went to New York and saved the style section, Sunday Style, like it meant something, like I'd be something.
I went to New York and acted like a nothing. Drinking at Ryan Maguire's and sleeping in my traffic-clad room. I went to New York and Nadia trusted me, and I let her down, and Nadia is dead.
My poor baby. Nadia is dead!
And I think about all the ways she went, and how I could have prevented it and how I'm so sorry, and how my little sister says, "HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?"
How, could, I let, THIS, happen?
I'm so sorry Nadia.